Foreigners Suck
by Mortal Anonymous
Summary: Beavis and Butt-Head are annoyed by all of the foreign programming on TV, but then decide they want a foreign worker to clean up after them, so they go look for one on the highway.


"Y ahora, porno de todo, todo el tiempo..."

"Change it." Beavis groused.

Butt-Head gladly obliged and switched channels.

"Es su inodoro actuando para arriba?"

"Ugh, change it. Heh heh."

Again Butt-Head was more than happy to do so.

"Pruebe nuestro nuevo potenciadores masculinos garantizado…"

"Change it! Change it! Ngyaaa..!" Beavis burst, growing irritated.

The channel was changed.

"Arriba! Arriba! Andale Andale! Hahahaha!"

"Grrr. This sucks!" Beavis complained, snatching the remote from Butt-Head and hurling it at the TV. It struck the control panel and broke it, causing the screen to static. "Why's all the TV in some stupid foreign language now? Heh heh heh heh." he then demanded.

"Uh, I think it's cuz, like, all the foreigners wanna leave their crapsack countries and come here for some reason, and their like, too lazy to learn English. Huh huh huh huh." Butt-Head informed him, "It's like, they want our crappy jobs or something. Huh huh."

"Heh heh heh heh, really?" asked Beavis, seeming interested.

"Yeah, if you like, get a foreigner to come to your house, they'll like, do all your chores and stuff." Butt-Head confirmed, "Huh-huh, huh-huh. I think they like stuff that sucks."

This information sunk its way slowly into Beavis' brain, and then the image of a dull lightbulb trying to light appeared in a thought bubble above his head. The lightbulb shattered, and he spoke.

"Dude," he said, "We should like, get one of those, um, foreigner things. Heh heh heh, heh heh."

Butt-Head's eyes widened at the notion.

"Wow, Beavis. A-huh huh huh. That idea like, doesn't suck..!" he awed.

"Heh heh heh. Cool, thanks. Heh heh." returned Beavis, and the two of them stood, heading outside to go find themselves a foreigner.

…...

Out by a highway tunnel, Beavis and Butt-Head wandered around a bit aimlessly, turning over rocks and looking up trees and such. Eventually, Butt-Head had the sense to look somewhere a person might actually fit, and looked inside the tunnel.

"Woah..!" Butt-Head chortled, and he waved Beavis over, "Hey Beavis, I think I found one...huh huh huh, check it out: foreigner dude."

Under the roadway sat a man in a tattered scarf and gray overcoat, a rumpled fedora on his head. He was white, and obviously not foreign, but he didn't bother to correct the two youngsters ogling him. He merely blinked at them, tired and slow, not saying anything.

"Heh heh, heh heh, cool." Beavis chuckled, "So, um, how do we get him to move?"

"Uhh, I dunno." Butt-Head said, "Got any food? Huh huh huh."

"Heh heh, say, yeah, yeah! That's a good idea, mm-heh…heh." Mumbling, he dug through his pockets. Finding a half-eaten candy bar, he held it victoriously and then waved it in the direction of the bum.

"Foreigner want some candy? Heh heh." he called, then clicked and whistled like an owner calling a dog, "C'mere; c'mere boy, come an' get it. Heh heh, heh heh."

The bum gave a long stare, but then stood slowly and came forward. Beavis and Butt-Head gave a cry of 'Yes!', high-fiving each other and then proceeding to lead the man back to their home.

…...

Back at their house, the boys sat on the couch with the man settled between them, munching on what was left of Beavis' candy bar, but otherwise not moving.

Poking the man's head, Beavis asked, "So like, um, how do you turn it on? Heh heh. I want it to do stuff for me. Heh-heh, heh. Yeah."

"Uhhh, I think you like, gotta yell at 'em, or something." suggested Butt-Head. He turned to the man. "Hey, foreign guy. Do my chores or I'll kick your ass. Huh huh huh, huh-huh."

"Heh heh heh. Yeah, yeah, kick his ass! Heh heh heh." supported Beavis, his arms vibrating excitedly.

The man, finished with the candy bar, only blinked.

Seeing no reaction, Butt-Head scratched his head.

"Well, that worked. A-huh huh huh huh." he said sarcastically, "You got any ideas, Beavis?"

After a couple second's pondering, Beavis pulled forth a lighter and flicked it.

"We could _burn_ 'im…" he suggested, hovering the sparking wheel over the man's shoulder. The man merely gave it a blank stare.

"That wouldn't work, fart knocker." Butt-Head scolded Beavis, "Then he'd be like, all crispy and dead."

Beavis retracted his lighter, realizing, "Ooh yeah. Heh heh. 'D still be pretty cool though. Heh heh heh. Fire..!"

Ignoring his friend, Butt-Head went on, thinking aloud, "Hmm, maybe we like, gotta show him how to do it first."

His attention diverted, Beavis now pointed out, "But Butt-Head, we don't know how to do it either. Hmeh heh heh, heh-heh."

"Not like that, dumbass!" Butt-Head said crossly, "I meant show him how to clean and stuff."

"Oooh yeah," realized Beavis, "Heh heh, heh…"

…...

The three stood in the kitchen, surrounded by filthy, scummy dishes in desperate need of washing. In Butt-Head's hands were one of these dishes and a rag. Behind him, Beavis was jumping to reach the top of one of the stacks so he could be part of the demonstration too.

"Ok, so like, just take the dish, huh huh, and um, rub it with the rag." Butt-Head was explaining to the man, holding the items out to him. The man blinked at him.

In the background, Beavis had given up on jumping for a dish, and was now trying to extract one from the bottom by grabbing it and pushing against the counter with his feet.

"Just take the dish, huh huh huh, and scrub it." Butt-Head tried again, "Like this."

He tried to wipe the plate, but it fell from his grasp and shattered on the tile floor.

"Huh huh huh huh…whoops." chuckled Butt-Head. He grabbed another plate. "I meant like this."

He tried to wipe this plate too, but it fell from his fingers as well, shattering upon impact with the floor. Butt-Head stared at the mess, chuckling.

"Um, maybe if you did it on the counter, huh huh." he tried, and extended the rag to the nearest stack of dishes.

It promptly tumbled at the slight shove, and the whole thing collapsed to the floor.

"Uh, wait…huh huh huh huh huh…" Butt-Head tried again, and moved to the next stack.

It toppled.

Moving quickly around the kitchen, Butt-Head then tried every stack in sequence, causing a shower of porcelain and many loud crashes, until he'd circled around back to Beavis.

As Butt-Head's last tower fell, Beavis finally succeeded in retrieving the plate from the bottom of his own stack. He was propelled backwards as the stack popped up, and then settled back into place, unharmed.

From the floor, somehow missing all of the broken dishware, Beavis held his dish and exclaimed, "Heh heh heh, woah! That was cool. Heh heh, did you see that? Mm-hmeh-hmm-hm-hm."

The man just stood there.

…...

Now in the bathroom, Butt-Head was trying to instruct the bum on how to clean a toilet. Beavis stood by with a plunger and toilet brush on hand.

"Ummm, I don't really know how to do this," Butt-Head said, "But I think you're supposed to stick those things in the toilet, huh-huh-huh, and then flush it or something..?" He looked to his friend. "Show 'im how it's done, Beavis. A-huh huh."

"Hmm-hm, yeah, yeah." Beavis muttered, approaching the toilet. As he jammed the toilet brush into the bowl, followed shortly by the plunger, he narrated, "Ok, uuuum, let's see…ok, here, and then um, this thing, heh heh…"

"NGYAAAAAA!" he cried suddenly as he struck the handle. The flush caused Beavis to be throttled wildly by the two sticks he held as they attempted to swirl their way down the drain. Water soon spouted from multiple points as it looked for escape from the jammed pipes.

All three occupants' eyes widened as the room then began quaking.

As water burst through the closed door of the bathroom and settled into a shallow river in the outside hall, the combined chortling of Beavis and Butt-Head could be heard emanating from inside said room.

The bum exited the bathroom, sopping, spitting water from his mouth, and with a toilet seat draped around his neck.

…...

Back in the main living room, Beavis and Butt-Head had managed to locate a vacuum cleaner, and were now trying to show the bum how to use it. Butt-Head held the nozzle, while Beavis stood by the switch in the back.

"Uh, this thing I think you're just supposed to like, point at stuff? Heh heh." Beavis guessed, "And I think it, like, eats it? Mm-heh heh." That said, he flicked the switch, bringing the vacuum to life.

"Huh, wo-ah…" went Butt-Head, caught off-guard by the kick. He then lifted the nozzle, curious. He tested the suction with his hand a few times.

"Huh huh huh huh huh, huh-huh," he laughed, "Hey Beavis, check it out. This thing _sucks_…"

"Hmeh heh heh heh…huh?" questioned Beavis, "I don't get it…"

"Oh yeah?" countered Butt-Head, "Well get this; I'm gonna suck your _face_..!" And he came at Beavis with the nozzle, chuckling.

Beavis let out a yell of protest and blocked with his hands. They both pushed, tussling with the nozzle, their original goal forgotten. It went left, it went right, and then-

"Oooo-oohh-oooh-hoh-ooooohhh..!" Beavis suddenly shuddered, his eyes bugging.

Butt-Head was confused by this reaction, but then his eyes looked down to find his hands pressing the nozzle squarely against Beavis' crotch. His face lit up.

"Huh huh, no way..!" he declared, "Huh huh, huh huh, hey, don't bogart it, dude..!"

A new fight over the nozzle broke out, and began heading toward the boys' bedroom.

As they disappeared, the bum looked to the camera and gave a flat, raised-eyebrow look.

…...

Somehow, eventually, the house ended up clean and sparkling. Beavis and Butt-Head panted as they lay in the middle of their living room floor, obviously having done all the work themselves, while their 'foreigner' stood above them, looking down at them as blankly as he ever had.

The bum looked about the room each way, and then his face broke suddenly out into a warm smile.

"Congratulations, boys..!" he beamed, all traces of being tired and beaten disappearing, "You've cleaned the entire house on your own; I'm so proud!"

From the floor, Butt-Head groaned, "Huh huh huh…what..?"

"Yeah, what..? Heh heh…" concurred Beavis.

"You see, boys, I'm from a sub-class of magical nannies, sent to teach messy children how to clean up for themselves and be responsible." the man explained, "I must say, you two were in dire need of assistance in that department, so I certainly hope you learned something. My time is up now, though, so I must be off. So long..!"

The man pulled from his overcoat an umbrella as tattered as the garment it was stored in and as black as his own teeth. He opened it up and was lifted away out the window on a magical wind of green stench before his words were even registered.

The room sat in silence for a few moments after he was gone, but then Butt-Head spoke.

"Hey Beavis," he said, "Know what I learned?"

"What?" Beavis asked.

"Foreigners suck. Huh huh huh, huh huh huh." Butt-Head told him with a laugh.

"Heh heh heh. Yeah. Heh heh..!" Beavis laughed. He then lazily kicked the end table he was near, causing the lamp atop it to fall and smash, proving, as the two then laughed about how cool this had been, that they had of course learned absolutely nothing.


End file.
